Fuck my day. My dad still sick now he may lose his job

My family.

I know everyone thinks their family is the best but really mine is amazing.
So much has been going on. My dad got really sick and really isn't getting much better. he's still got an infection where they did surgery and i'm never the one to say things but i'm so scared that were going to go to a check up and something really bad is going to be wrong. I don't know what will happen if my dad wouldn't be here. I mean my mom can be a bitch but I know that should couldn't make it if my dad was gone. it scares me. ugh and my poor little sister. she is trying to make it but its so hard for her. I feel so so so bad. I hope something amazing happens for her soon.
All this is the bottom of life right now the only bad. everything else I have been working on turning around.
I love my life right now. I am going to move to Chicago. I am going to ART school. yay. and well the only person I love other then my family is trying with me and I love her for that.

hunting

Great collide is on... it brings back Jenny, the first real non dating but dating relationship. I hate those. anyway my gums are FUCKING killing me ugh I wish I had money to go see the dentist. so the whole Kendra thing has come to she still feels more me. I should be happy but that doesn't mean things are okay. I have never felt like this EVER. So I sent in my school stuff.. it cost me 4:95 to ask to give me for time to pay up for the fall. ugh. I need to win the lotto BAD

what to say

So, I'm sitting here about to cry. not for one thing but for 19214 things. A. today it's cold again.
b. I fucked up and in a way called her shallow and she hasn't replied, i said thats not how I meant it. but ya way to be. so I found out I need a root canal, great more money I don't have. it hurts so so so much. but I got to pay up shit first. Kendra told me today she has to have surgery in the next couple weeks. nice. right. I want to run away for a couple days.

i'm so lame

So other then the fact i feel like i'm fucking going no where and drowning in debt and more and more bills are coming in, only thing still giving me any light is moving and school and well kendra stuff. Lame I know I need to fucking get over it. right.

Anyway after a long fucking day I called shane. I miss him. we sorta texted but i was uber busy and getting bitched at. woman. anyway so we talked I vented, he filled me in on is fun times lol crazy boy. so we hung up and I picked up my phone and out of no where before I could even think I texted Kendra. I know right. I said Hi. ya i know lame at first it was good. but then she out of know where told me to much. like added shit. I know her so well that I know whats she's doing either way I go about this it's going to be bad. fuck

Really?

I LOVE Scarlett but, it's redick really. HA. everytime i see anything of her I think of Kendra no lie.
They look so much alike and there voices..

Tomorrow is going to be amazing I can't wait.

My heart is broken

Myself.

Who am I? What am I doing?
Lets see I have 4 months left till school 4 wow.
I need to pay off 1000 to my Po. Woot about that.
I have to figure out living shit for school. it's 11,000 for the year. FML
I need to figure out who I am keeping with me when I move.
Who do I care about?
Well My family I think this is going to be good for us.
Gabby will come around i'm sure.
Honestly friends wise. Sarah, I mean I it pretty much an adventure when i hang out with her.
Lauren She's my Best Friend I can never leave her behind.
Kelz is amazing friend...
Kendra if we ever can work to anything.
------------
Note I wrote that Friday and well it's Tuesday. Alot has happen.
I talked to Kendra. My heart is broken, she told me the Lupus is getting to her Brain. i'm heart broken. One thing is to have lost her in one way but knowing she's not a phone call away kills me.
I am going to give her some money and i'm going to get my stuff soon. She said she's willing to sit down and talk things thru. That's the only thing keeping me going.

Today is the sox's home opener. woot. Kohen's first home opener that he can understand.. well some what. I love that little boy.

I keep having dreams that I pick Jennifer Aniston over Scarlett Johnnson. WTF. I don't get it, is it a sign?

I don't even know.

It's funny how your worst enemies always seem to turn out to be all of your best friend's best friends

So today is a well there ya go I am a fucking Woman. A. My mom was all like bah were cleaning i felt like i was 15 again but fuck I live here. Next thing are better looking froward to my evening and boom Kendra text's me. Well i guess were going to talk to night but, I'm not even sure what to say. the with a weird line of events I have no need to talk or see Maggie ever again. Thankfully I don't have to pretend to be nice to Nicki. i can't stand her. Fuck it all it was so much damn drama. I want to focus on the fact that Shane is the only person left in ww I even wanna see and I think were fighting actually. I don't know. i'm over all it. I have alot of friends. Anyway I thing I need to think this Kendra ness out. What am I going to say? What is she going to ask?
I think i'm going to spill on everything. I am going to put it all on the table. what will she say? I guess I already lost everything I Loved. I want to be clear with her. They ask her to think about it and offer to do whatever to have her. Back i can not fuck it up again. If i'm even that lucky.

I love.

expensive things.
It's badd.
I slept with her Best Friend yet again.
I kinda like you girl dude. Fyi. Heads up she's on my list.

Kids.

it's 2:25 am. All i think of is what I had.
I do this to myself.
Thing is I don't get why I sabotaged it?
I think it's coz I couldn't help it.
Lies.
I could.
I'm sick of this all.
I am what I am. She loved me for me.
I Loved my self more I guess.
That's the first time i have admitted that.
I need to stop.
I'm not going anywhere being like this.
She made me wanna live.
You see, everyone could say oh get over it, it was nothing.
But you see it was everything.
It's not that fact I lost her. It's the fact I HURT her.
That kills me.
She told me to my face your one of the 2 reason's I wanna live.
God I wanna die.

Ha

Fine I give in i'm getting wasted tonight with my ladies. tomorrow I HAVE to go to Shane's.
Random but i realized that when I listen to rap I dress like this and fuck a lot more. damn blacks AH kidding.

I wanna see her tonight. WEIRD.

I don't understand why I go after these girls it's like really?!?
I hit it and quit it. and well thats evil.
okay so i just realized that after all this Maggie bs which is nothing now :) HA

So.

Who am I kidding I'm dearly still in love with Kendra and I kinda hate it no lie. Which is really weird coz I go thru girls like no other. i know why no need for therapy there lol that was a shit ton of wasted money. even after I tried to kill myself, I like I don't need it I know why i'm fucking crazy. umm Cathlic school and being gay ya there ya go. And having a mother who beat the living fuck out of me ya... okay to much info for now.

I feel like shit tho. i kinda like you and I feel weird about it. I never been down well THAT road.

I can't believe I slept with her last night. Fuck.

I NEED THESE MOVIES

1. Iron Man 2 (2010) (filming) .... Natasha Romanoff / Black Widow
   ... aka Iron Man II (International: English title: promotional title)
   
   
2. He's Just Not That Into You (2009) .... Anna Taylor
   ... aka Er steht einfach nicht auf Dich! (Germany)
3. The Spirit (2008) .... Silken Floss
   ... aka Will Eisner's The Spirit (USA: poster title)
4. Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008) .... Cristina
5. The Other Boleyn Girl (2008) .... Mary Boleyn
6. The Nanny Diaries (2007) .... Annie Braddock
7. "Robot Chicken" .... Amy / ... (4 episodes, 2005-2006)
   - Donkey Punch (2006) TV episode (voice) .... Wife/Lisa
   - Veggies for Sloth (2006) TV episode (voice) .... Dolores / Veronica Lodge
   - A Piece of the Action (2005) TV episode (voice) .... Amy/Cheerleader
   - Toyz in the Hood (2005) TV episode (voice) .... Tooth Fairy
8. The Prestige (2006) .... Olivia Wenscombe
9. The Black Dahlia (2006) .... Kay Lake
   ... aka Black Dahlia (Germany)
   ... aka Die Schwarze Dahlie (Germany: TV title)
10. Scoop (2006) .... Sondra Pransky
11. The Island (2005) .... Jordan Two Delta / Sarah Jordan
12. Match Point (2005) .... Nola Rice
13. In Good Company (2004) .... Alex
14. The SpongeBob Squarepants Movie (2004) (VG) (voice) .... Mindy
15. The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie (2004) (voice) .... Mindy
16. A Good Woman (2004) .... Meg Windermere
    ... aka Seduttrici, Le (Italy)
17. A Love Song for Bobby Long (2004) .... Pursy Will
18. The Perfect Score (2004) .... Francesca Curtis
    ... aka Voll gepunktet (Germany)
19. Girl with a Pearl Earring (2003) .... Griet
    ... aka Jeune fille à la perle, La (Luxembourg: French title)
20. Lost in Translation (2003) .... Charlotte
21. Eight Legged Freaks (2002) .... Ashley Parker
22. An American Rhapsody (2001) .... Suzanne - at 15
    ... aka Amerikai rapszódia (Hungary)
23. Ghost World (2001) .... Rebecca
24. The Man Who Wasn't There (2001) .... Birdy Abundas
    
    
25. My Brother the Pig (1999) .... Kathy Caldwell
26. The Horse Whisperer (1998) .... Grace MacLean
27. Home Alone 3 (1997) .... Molly Pruitt
28. Fall (1997) .... Little Girl
29. Manny & Lo (1996) .... Amanda
30. If Lucy Fell (1996) .... Emily
31. "The Client" .... Jenna (1 episode, 1995)
    ... aka "John Grisham's The Client"
    - Pilot (1995) TV episode .... Jenna
32. Just Cause (1995) .... Katie Armstrong
33. North (1994) .... Laura Nelson

Did I take the right path

So, I was taking a nap with Kohen and I thought to myself would life have been better if I would have had a baby? Then the 16 year old annoying black girls on murry popped in my head about how they want to be mom's and shit. Then I remember oh ya that's right you can go out tonight if you want you can sleep in late you can go to a movie. But then again I could be happy with a kid, not only that but my parents love Kohen so much that what would it have been like if I gave them a grand baby. i'm pretty much up in the air about all of it.

I had a dream about her again. I miss her so much. I wish I could fix everything. I never did anything to hurt her. Really she's the only one that I tried with. I would give up my world for her.

Giving in

I gave in. Blogger you win.
I pretty much hate my life right now.
It's my own fault tho.